We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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