Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dear god my vagina.
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