I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
