I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
