OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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