She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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