My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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