i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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