Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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