So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
