why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My brain says no but my pants say off.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
