dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
