are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
