I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
