Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
