I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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