I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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