I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize