8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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