I can't breathe out the right side of my face
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
