I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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