I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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