she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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