Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
