Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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