You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
