it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am available for nakedness
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
