Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
