a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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