3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
