Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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