eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
