guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
