winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
