I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
