When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
