I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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