if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize