I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize