I accidentally had phone sex last night
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
