he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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