Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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