im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
