The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
