you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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