even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
