Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
