I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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