the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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