yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
