they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
