I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
