Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
