Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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