Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They took my balls.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
